Interlude : Humming

To “hum” is to bring a little song from inside you out, but only part way, and the beauty is not fully realized, and it never may be.  It certainly could mean something beautiful coming to the forefront, ready to tantalize you if you give it the chance.

But on occasion a hum is something sinister, something wanting to come out that should NOT, as it hums on the way to an explosion of the kind I am certainly not interested in. A flat line meandering with no sense of direction of what it is to do.

And in this cases a hum can be a single volume, a single pitch, a single tone, repeated and/or looped until it takes the soundshape of something entirely different, where instead of waiting for it to blossom, you hear each slight variation from the whole and it jars you into wanting it to NOT change, to wish that it will not blossom, that it will gradually fade to nothing, except it will continue, and continue to jar you, or me, or anyone, in it’s path.

These are the things that mesmerize a mind, that lull, into complacency, into not recognizing the details, into looking past the hum to the end, waiting for it to end, without taking steps to figure out how that is to happen, and in many cases, it never will.  I really wish it would, but it will never.

Interlude : Ending Up on the Bank

Once someone told me, when describing a reaction to a certain type of situation, that he or she had “ended up on the bank”.  I have no opinion on this other than deciding this is a typical reaction to one who is in the act of observation, but is not sure whether to step away, further away, or to dive in, because neither may be appropriate.

The bank is the gray area between being in it and being out of it, inside and outside, purgatorial.  It is a movement waiting to happen.  I believe in the science world it is called potential energy, as in the potential for something to happen, and the energy being there.

Now, it’s possible that the energy can be caused by one of the two foci, the inside, or the outside.  I will assume that one of the sources emits either a positive or negative energy, in that an individual is eventually (I mean, this doesn’t happen immediately — there is a certain amount of time involved, and that very well could be affected by it’s own parameters and equations!) pushed or pulled away from or toward one of these sources.

There is a counter-argument, see, that the energy is generated as a reaction to both foci.  Then, the crux of the argument is whether one side causes more or less of that energy than the other.  It could be a balance, or it could be a counterbalance.  It could be more meaning less, or less meaning more.

Either way, it is possible that this equation means something more than the intrinsic power of each of the foci, as there could be an intangible — the mind, values, predilections, or inertia of the individual that resides on said bank.  If there is a reason for being there, as in a predisposed path, and that pathway is still leading somewhere, as in a journey unfulfilled, it’s entirely possible that the individual MAY find some way (again, how this happens is due to a complex set of chemical processes that I can not begin to delve into) to override any external energy and choose a path that is exactly the opposite to what has been determined by those or he/she who is making the decisions!  But I can’t stress how difficult it is to tell these things, especially when I am not privy to all the information that is to be divulged, perhaps because — and I do mean perhaps, and quite also mean because — there was never any information to divulge to begin with (I mean, at least no information WORTH divulging).

And this knowledge, then, is a key to the greater (perhaps greatest) equation.  If I were to say it wasn’t, I would be lying, see.

Interlude : the Stabbing of Words

I have to go back and think about my use of the word “stab”, as this can
tend to have some violent connotations in this world we live in.
Historically, if we were to think about the context in which stabbing was
used, we would think about war, about battle, about assassination, about bad
blood between two individuals (or, at least WITHIN one individual and
directed towards another, as stabbing is, at times, a one-way street).
Throughout the years the stab tended to have a dark sort of vibe attached to
it.

I, for one, would like this to change, as I intend to use this word for the
good of things, especially my own things and myself.  When I think about a
stab, I think about my will and determination and everything that wells up
inside me when I want to accomplish a goal of sorts. A goal is sometimes not
understood until (or much after) it is achieved, simply because that goal is
within a territory that has not had many goals previously associated with
it. This is often my case, as I seem to blaze new territory often or at
least often enough that I need to think about these sorts of things, with
this new territory not being necessarily new because someone else surely had
been there although it is difficult to see without the evidence of tracks in
the ground or air and this again comes back to my indifference towards
communicating with others who I may indeed would have related to if I were
to make the effort of being social.  And you know what I indeed think about
being social and of course being fashionable as an extension of that.

So, see, I will not back down from using the word “stab” and to talk about
“stabbing” or to “take a stab at something”, mainly because these actions
are not directed toward anyone in particular or at least anyone who is not
myself, and really you should know that wanting to stab yourself is not a
crime (except in the places of the world where it is a crime as it typically
results in suicide, but we can talk more about that later) and that if you
do not take stabs you will not get the things accomplished and the questions
answered that need to be accomplished and answered, respectively, as it may
be.  I really do find this to be true, yes!

Interlude : the Gait

I must first start of with a definition for this word as it is taken directly from the dictionary, Webster’s:

Main Entry: ¹gait
Pronunciation: 'gAt
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English gait, gate gate, way
1 : a manner of walking or moving on foot
2 : a sequence of foot movements (as a walk, trot, pace, or canter) by which a horse or a dog moves forward
3 : a manner or rate of movement or progress <the leisurely gait of summer>

Now, in reference to what I have seen, I would be hard pressed to differentiate between 1, 2, and 3 in the description that I previously had given to determine how it is that I knew the man that I said I knew (I mean, I will allow this in the presence tense: know), can only say that this word I chose, gait, does have particular function within this context in that it is helpful to determine who indeed this person is in a way that is not necessarily helpful in painting a picture of said person, but does much within the clarification bit to coalesce some sort of story around this character.

And that, I believe, is worth digression, I mean, I believe it to be so?

Interlude : Ashtray Culture

Let me talk for just a second about ashtrays — for one, I don’t believe in them, for two (seconds? second?), I neglect to empty them when I do.

But they really make great gifts, see. I received an ashtray today and brought it all the way home. I may even keep it, or I may give it to someone else, but that is ONLY if the need arises. I reserve the right to give anything of mine away, including the things that are precious enough to others that they give them to me.

Ashtrays are not as mobile as they seem. Once an ashtray is full of contents — and I do mean really full, I really do — the ashtray becomes hazardous, as it’s potential energy becomes greater (i.e. has more potential). Especially if there are things within that ashtray that are things that are not commonly associated with the contents of an ashtray (which, if you can begin to imagine what something like this can look like, could lead to results that may be deemed tragic, if those contents were to somehow make their way outside of that ashtray and on to something that may be negatively impacted by the contents, and again, those contents might not be what is expected in an ashtray!)

Unfortunately I cannot find this ashtray right now, otherwise I would show it to you. It has some color to it, which is more than I can say about certain people places and things at some points in time. And I really do mean that.

Interlude : Fashion Says

It’s unfortunate that success equates to fashion sense. On the flipside, I don’t think I get a good sense of who I am based on my choice of fashion expression for the day.

In Miami, see, you’ll get sand in your shorts if you’re not watching. The sunlight gets in your eyes regardless of where you go. You have a sense of what you wear only because your self-conscious, not because you want to associate yourself with a certain aesthetic. As long as someone else is doing it …

I had a friend once who didn’t care about fashion. He was from New York and he came here on a whim. I appreciate when anyone can do that. Not everyone can.

Anyway, the sun will make you forget why you came here in the first place, after just a few hours. You have your layers, if you know what you’re doing. Most people don’t. Even if they peel off layer after layer, they still haven’t gotten anywhere. All of a sudden you’re perpetuating the system, which directly relates to a misunderstanding of decency, and decency typically drives those who don’t care about fashion.

I see you’re in the camp who, as they may, don’t really care about decency. I think you’re in for it. I really do.

See, Miami will eat you alive if you think you are indeed able to rise above it. That’s the wrong attitude. I mean, you can approach it like that, if you’re here for the short term, but I know you’re not.

If you’re trying to get something out of it, take it easy; ride with it. You don’t have many other options. Believe me, many others have tried AND failed. It goes hand in hand. It’s bigger than you think.

My only advice: don’t worry about being fashionable.

Interlude : Tune In, Tune Out

I won’t take up very much of your time here, because I know your time is limited, as is mine. But I must say I don’t give away much about my life. I don’t keep many friends, see, so that makes it easier to keep my aura enclosed. But I feel I need to discuss my predilection for drugs, narcotics, to describe to you why they are necessary. If I don’t think about these things, no one else will, so I will take the time from my busy schedule to spin a bit of a yarn for you right here.

I don’t have a lot of things in my life that motivate me. Major world issues, going to birthday parties, sunlight — I’m mostly unflappable in the face of these items that often drive others to act. But I can get twisted with the best of them, and it gives me reason to go. Really, it can almost be said by me that what most people might refer to as narcotics and as addictive are not narcotics and not addictive to me: rather, necessary tools for keeping myself on an even keel. If the doctors won’t help me out — and they haven’t to date, see — than I can find someone to provide me with the necessary tools to stay on the up and up. Which means, on occasion, unfortunately, I must make a trek. And for this exercise, I will don my mask.

The heat is a nuisance when I have my mask on. From the moment I walk out into the open, the heat tries to dictate what my mask and I want to do, and that really is to mind our own beeswax thank you! When squarely tackling the agenda, the first thing on my mind is layering — progress! I mean, progress happens in layers; you peel off layer after layer until you get down to the core deed. If self-satisfaction lies at the core, and I have a sneaking suspicion it does, yes, then I will get to it by peeling the layers back, until I get to the last one–

Mask. The heat aggravates me so and the mask will not talk back to the heat (or to me, really), so I must be the aggressor. I am angry with the heat, and the heat fills me when the anger sets in, so much so that the mask becomes a burden, and it is not meant to be the burden — it saves me, often, the layer of protection being the final layer, until I get to the core, my destination.

I never make it a point to go farther than I need to go. If I ever give myself the impression, and I often do, that I am going too far, I will resort to all available options to rectify and simplify. This happens to be a short trip, forward and just far enough sideways. In the end I get what I want, regardless.

The first burst is a good one, straight through the heart and landing squarely in the mind, and distributed to all extremities and follicles from there. Then the second, I mean, it compounds the situation, and it purports my decision. From there I continue on as need be, but as always occurs, it should not end and should always begin. The best is first, then the rest.

In the middle, well, it just flows and flows.

I ensure the best; I try before I buy. I won’t allow it any other way. I have standards, see.

At the end of the journey, I take my mask off to see the results. (No, you can NOT see me now without it on — that is a step we are not yet ready to take, see!) I am not very often uncomfortable with my decision to get to where it is that I got to. And once that gratification has settled in, found a place to lie comfortably, the rest can do the same. It almost doesn’t matter what happens then — my standards fall to their lowest points, and I wait.

Now we both have work to do, taken from our respective list of duties, so please finish me up here and I’ll be on my way …

Interlude : Intensity

While I’m waiting, I wanted to take a minute to discuss “intensity”. It’s a word rarely discussed, and I think there’s a reason for that. I mean, I rarely discuss it, and there’s a reason for that. The dictionary says this about “intensity”, or it’s root, “intense” — it says this: extreme degree of strength, force, energy, or feeling. Now that can mean several things, and I am not above going into some amount of detail about any one of these things. But I won’t talk about each one of these things because it may or may not be a waste of breath, or paper.

But force, well, force is a force to be reckoned with. It reminds me of years ago, in my youth, when I was fledgling and fighting for every inch using, well, force, naturally. But it came out at strange times. At times I would force my parents and family members to pay attention to me by not wearing pants for long periods of time. It was most distracting at the dinner table. I mean, come on, my mom would say, I raised you to have some decency. I wouldn’t say anything with my head down in my plate, stirring my gravy with my fork or spooning it onto a knife with my spoon, then setting the knife down on my plate and letting the contents spill off, only to repeat. Now there I wouldn’t say I was forcing anyone to do anything. I mean, I would say to myself, I’m not forcing you to be anyone you don’t want to be. And I mean that. I really do.

So force came into play some time ago, at some time existing somewhere around the time I had just described, or even minutes before.

But even then I would think — no one really ASKED me, so I wouldn’t offer — that intensity was a product of force, and not the other way around. But the dictionary didn’t pick things up that way. It’s like this: if everyone in the world used intensity as a weapon, the natural byproduct would not be force. However, I would argue the other way around: if you (or anyone else like you, or me, for that matter) used force as a weapon, that would get some results, and as result the situation, and everyone involved, would be intense. That’s what happens when things escalate. And yes, there would be feeling, yes to strength, and yes once more to energy.

What does this mean, and what am I really thinking? I’m not saying the dictionary is wrong. It can be right, just not in the way things are currently constructed. I’m saying that the dictionary can be — it won’t, but it can, see — can be rewritten to substitute “force” and “intensity”. They are not equals, then. Neither, necessarily, is fashionable, and I’m OK with that because I don’t think fashion has a place much of anywhere, really.