Chapter D, as in Dogged Determination to Get My Melon Straight

As evidenced by my path to current successes, I do not take the short path
coated in rose petals and lined by lillies to get from point A to point B; I
take whatever path is necessary. And in my explanations I hope, really, I’ve
made an attempt to insinuate that I am but an amateur in this process of
life living, making it up as I go along, so to speak (and I will, now, and
in due time). I will take a stab and stab and stab until I get things done
the right way, although I don’t know what the right way is, so my way, I
mean.

That’s why anything that happens to me that causes me friction, that causes
me to waffle from prior decisions I’ve made regarding how I do this and
that, I will carefully observe these happenings and try my damndest to keep
these things from happening again (at least as much trying as is possible by
my being — I mean, I do have plenty of issues to attend to that take up
much of my time mentally, and I do need to tend to my body so that it does
not crumble under the weight of my next decision, or, God forbid, next point
of friction). I consult a list of steps I have detailed in dogged fashion in
order to rectify past problems, I mean points of friction, and it results in
an algorithm so complicated that the typical mortal mind might very well
begin to smoke (the smoke, then, exiting the mind through the mortal ear
passages) and bubble and steam and toil and trouble!

So this particular turn of events in recent times, these points of friction
I have encountered, are tossing the old melon back and forth and stirring up
the insides, making it much more difficult for the inner contents of that
melon to make an educated decision about what to do next!

What I’m thinking about here, mainly, really, is that I can turn things
around and around here in this sweaty sprawling city, or I can take what
lessons I have learned (ALL the way down the path, I’ve learned things, see,
and these things come back to teach you something when you’re in a time of
need, and I can tell you that’s happened often) and apply them in a new
environment, really. I’m not stranger to change; in fact, I feed off it. I
mean, making a change can be viewed under two different microscopes, or
telescopes depending how far you are away during your analysis, and if you
are analyzing this from afar I just you take that route, although either
choice will produce the same two profiles:

The first, a person who makes a change is a person who is running away from
a problem, a person who can not handle the “real world” as it may be. This
person exhibits a floppy spine, a shattered ego, and little if any will to
live.

The second, a person who makes a change is a person who recognizes that life
is short, that internal drive and focus is directly in relation to external
stimuli, because that stimuli is utilized during that person’s output of
creativity. This person is a forward thinker, see, and is strong in his/her
sense of self and ability to manage his/her life as a contributing member of
the society.

I really think that, while I know several individuals in the historical
books who would go the route of the former, and in this situation my
roommates indeed would each fall in the camp of the former and view anyone
else who is NOT them as falling in the camp of the former, I know better,
act better, AM better than that, this I know, and that’s why I can fit into
the profile of the latter such as a woman of refined tastes fits snugly into
a fine mink coat even in front of the faces of people who do not agree with
such things (fur! don’t do it! — that’s what the detractors would say).

So this has spawned a new level of thinking in the ‘ol noggin, yes, it has
initiated this first step which is absolutely vital in taking the next and
next and next steps in order to create some sort of visible change in my
life (because, as you know, changes in thinking happen quite often, and
often these are just minor tweaks on the tried and true “working” model,
insofar as the model is working to keep you a functional member of your own
society, not necessarily the “greater” society, and unless the model is
upgraded for the newest model, that being a new version with a new skin,
most outside observers will not notice any change even though, indeed, one
has been implemented, although slight).

So back to where I am: here, holed up behind my closed doors, on the floor
with maps and scissors and glue and glitter and various writing utensils for
sniffing and/or writing (I caught you sleeping there!  I do tend to only
write with my writing utensils — really), plotting my next strategy for
something greater, as it will happen.  I will WILL it to happen, I really
will!

This is all part of the second step, which is mapping a course of action
either literally or figuratively (in this case, a good amount of the former,
a taste of the latter) in order to keep myself locked into a particular
pathway (because, as I have found, if I want to arrive at a destination in a
timely fashion, and at this time I do, I need to allow myself to follow a
particular set of directions in order to arrive there, even though this is
counterintuitive to how I normally go through this process of allowing steps
to morph before my very eyes and ears and brain, and knowing that my
particular pathway, in steps, is typically formulated during ONE particular
moment in my existence on this hot and salty planet, and that my decisions
are most definitely affected by my particular mood and personality and
chemical makeup at the time, and at some point at a later date when I am on
this particular path I may decide that my mood and personality and chemical
makeup at that particular time is suitable to make changes to any steps in
said path, at which point the pathway will alter from it’s permanent state
to a NEW permanent state, because I realize this is the best thing for me to
do at that time and that I am not a waffler, by nature!) AND in order to
ensure that my journey is, indeed, a pleasant one!

And upon the completion of the second step, which is not necessarily
necessary to completion of the following thereof but is helpful, the third
step may be initiated and then embarked upon, and this step is important
because it does indeed lay the groundwork for executing the path as a whole.
This step is, again, a complicated mess of inner communications and
arrangements and thinkings that I could definitely lay out in greater detail
– if it were to prove to be fruitful, see, which I am not particularly sure
of at this point.

Underneath the door I hear the light come on and I hear the voices, the
shuffling of feet.  I look at my clock and it is indeed that time when the
workday has ended, and as I can now tell I do have company, making it
particularly difficult for me to make any headway in these things I need to
make headway on.  But the time will come, really it will, I really think so,
I am glad this moment is here!