Chapter P, as in Proceed With Caution

It has happened, on occasion, that I have not had a source of the things that I need in order to stay content, and you are quite aware what these things are, so I must move outside my typical circle in order to make things better for myself in this regard.

In general, I do enjoy placing myself in situations where my abilities to control my specific outcome, and even to control the majority of the potential paths that will lead to that outcome, and thereby to place myself in a situation that others may deem ‘dangerous’ is in fact not a mere oversight on my part or a lack of regard for a positive conclusion to my story, but in fact a calculated measure (or, if you will, a domino in my tower) to obtain a result that my wee brain simply cannot comprehend at this point in time due to various internal and external circumstances (not because I forgot to do my homework, see, as I like to think I am past that stage in life).

I mean, yes, I will admit that knowingly placing myself in dangerous situations is not always the most intelligent thing to do, but I often feel when presented with the opportunity to do so that I will choose the path of most resistance if only for the not-so-insignificant reason that it helps me to get through the day, this spontaneous activity, insofar that life becomes exciting to me again if only for a fleeting moment. See, it is the same reason that I enjoy the narcotic that I enjoy this particular danger, in that it forces me into a situation that I wouldn’t normally have to deal with in the otherwise mundane world I live in.

So back to my ’sources’, or lack thereof; it came to my attention one hot and otherwise uneventful day that I would be losing a source of my happiness, at not just for a temporary period but, for all intensive purposes, for the rest of my existence. It turns out that I was this close to being involved in a shakedown of some sort involving my major source and the local bobbies; you see, I was told not quite that long after the fact that I narrowly dodged a proverbial bullet by mere happenstance, in that my arm clock was a few minutes fast and I arrived and exited the scene of a crime (that’s the lingo those bobbies use) before I was to be placed in harm’s way (the back of a paddywagon, I mean). I mean, the way it was described to me — and I really don’t know the details well, as it seems I have erased them from my memory either because of a desire to do so or from the specific side effects of my chosen lifestyle — I was out of the door right as those bobbies went in and made a real mess of the place. I mean, I really dodged that proverbial bullet there, because the last thing I need right now is a decision as in who is that one and only phone call going to be directed toward because you know you only have one real shot, really, one shot at not ending up like the rest of them, see. And I know that an outcome of that nature might really put me in a bad place, so much that it might topple my stack of dominoes, see, and waste all that work I did calculating my equation just so, so I can end up on the right side of things rather than the left. In this particular scenario, I will tell you that someone upstairs, downstairs, or at least a few feet in front of me was looking out for the best interests of numero uno, I really think so.

Anyway, I don’t want to spend any time getting myself down, I mean I came out where I needed to be and that’s right here where I can fight another day, midday, afternoon and night (but not too early as that seems to be a losing battle, perpetually), but I need to be aware, I really do, that things happen for a reason, even for me, and it works how it works.

So lets talk then about how I can move forward from here, as there are two obvious issues, at least obvious to me at this time, regarding this new scenario which as it seems will remain my current scenario for all upcoming days, and the first issue is that I, for one, have lost a very important source of my happiness that will indeed throw me from my routine, and two, I have a limited amount of time in order to find an alternate (and consistent) source for this sort of thing as that is an important cog in my equation in this new and now current scenario.

I mean, I have no doubt I will make a decision soon that will further me along that straight and narrow path, the path of either the least or the most resistance depending somewhat upon what my equation calls for and entirely upon what options are available to me at this particular time. And you know that I have identified several options of which several of the several are fine options in the current scenario but not in the bigger scenario, while more of the several are not the finest of options now in this current scenario or even in future scenarios yet still present themselves as attractive options given my predilection for assuming risk as a way to keep myself energized, as I mentioned at some point before now, I really did.

I have decided that in order to proceed with caution I am to ensure that my head is in the right place, see, and that place is the place where it is most comfortable, and given my decision to assume risk I can go ahead and tell myself that I will make ANY situation work as it needs to work, as my strength and will determines, at least what is left of those two things, and I really think there is something left, especially to be desired as there always is.

So I’m pressing forward — I mean, I have few options at this point, and you know where I’m going with this — in that I will assume the possible risk of being ‘discovered’ by my roommates, the potential to be caught in the act and do something that will blow the covers off my cover, because I have told you I am confident in the ignorance of these people especially when it comes to noticing changes in my behavior and patterns of movement from day to day, especially these days as the sun gets hotter and the layers come off and there are other elements and signs and symbols being added to their equations. But I will retain cleanliness in regards to my karma by not injecting any unwelcome signs or symbols into their equations but rather closely monitoring how I interact with these people in order to realize, see, their ultimate happiness or I mean at least in order to not realize most of their unhappiness, which of course is lying right below the surface in a place that definitely is somewhat accessible if triggered by a certain addition to the equation.

Again, or maybe for the first time I can not go into a great amount of detail here about what has already transpired or even what is to transpire, and I mean that I do really want to tell you about it but will not assume the responsibility of altering your particular equation or even worse to affect how your dominoes appear within the stack because if the order of the pieces is not correct then there is the possibility that the stack comes down, and by coming down I mean ceasing to exist which I don’t exactly have to spell out for you in order for you to realize that there are far better outcomes as far as my karma and your ultimate path are concerned, you see. I just wanted you to be aware that something was going to happen in order to turn this thing around for me, and I really do think, I mean know that this thing is going to turn around, and as long as I can keep you out of it, or at least to not affect your equation, well, there won’t be regrets anywhere to be seen or heard …